raisingkidswithlove

You don't have to be perfect to be the perfect parent!

“Hurry up or I will leave without you!” and other discipline techniques that don’t work!


There are some discipline techniques that just don’t work as well as others!

I can remember sometimes simply reacting to a behavior of one of my kids, but not really using a discipline approach.  The result was never very effective.  Some typical reactions just don’t work, or result in other issues later.  Here are some of the most common “discipline reactions” that are usually not very effective:

 

  • “If you don’t hurry we’ll leave you here.”

Threats teach children not to take their parents seriously.  Give a child a consequence that you know you will follow through with and makes sense.  Your child knows that you will not leave them at home alone.  It is an empty threat, one that you will not follow through with.  Think twice, do what you will say!  A better choice if you have a child that is dawdling would be:

“If you don’t hurry we will not have time to play at the park on the way home from the store.”

Logical consequence and something you can follow through with.  So, those times I grounded a child for life….hmmmm

  • “No dessert unless you clean your plate.”

Do not use food as a punishment.  “No dessert unless you eat your broccoli” can result in two things.  Number one, you have told your child that dessert is better than broccoli…now in your opinion that may be true, 🙂 but you want your child to think that nutritious food is on the same level as desserts!  Number two, children learn very quickly to negotiate and then parents usually back down.

“If I take one bit can I have dessert?”

 “No take two.”  

“How about one and a half?”  

“Take one.”

Child cries and whines.  Parent responds by giving in.  Soon a child figures out that negotiation works and  everything becomes a negotiation and is exhausting!

  • “What a good boy you are!”

Complimenting your child is wonderful.  We want to encourage behavior we like, but be specific as to why your child is good.

“You have been so good in the grocery store, I like how you sat in the grocery cart without trying to stand up!”

This type of statement  lets your child know what kind of behavior you expect and like, blanket praise does not work as well.

  • “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that.”

Never connect behavior to love.  Your child loves you and you love your child unconditionally.  Do not try to control behavior by using guilt.  Give your child a reason to behave the way you would like.

 “It would be such a big help if  you picked up your toys out of the kitchen so I can make us dinner.”

“Help me put your shoes on so we can get to the store and buy food for lunch, what is your favorite for lunch?”

  • “If you don’t behave I’m going to call your father or mother or grandparent or Santa….”

This undermines your authority.  It is risky to show that you have no recourse other than to tell dad or another person.  You are the parent, don’t give your authority to someone else!  Besides, what can Santa do??

  • “Why did you do that?”  or   “What is wrong with you?”

Children don’t know why they behave wrong or can’t articulate a reason.  Asking won’t help them find a reason.  You can walk your child through the problem and help them find a reason for their behavior, describe the emotion your child is feeling, but asking why doesn’t work.  A child really doesn’t know why he or she just squirted all the lotion from the bottle  out on the floor!  Asking only frustrates you!

  • “Why can’t you be more like your sister or friend?”

Comparison is damaging.  Children should never feel like they need to compete for parental love.  Comparing siblings results in an increase in sibling rivalry and can damage the relationship between sisters and brothers.  Your child is unique!  I believe that rules in a home should be the same for all your children, but your discipline approach to each child may be slightly different depending on the temperament of the child.  Remember each child has special gifts and special challenges…your role as a parent is to embrace both.

  • “You are naughty!!”

You want to send the message that the behavior is bad—not the child.  Parents need to make it clear that they believe their kids are good at heart.

“Why did a kind kid like you say something so mean to your friend?”  “This is not like you behaving this way…”

Your child is not bad, the behavior is.

  • “If you behave, I’ll buy you a toy.”

Bribes won’t win you anything and makes it just plain expensive to get out of the grocery store every week if you are buying something in the check out lane!   If a parent uses bribes you may end up having to buy good behavior on an ongoing basis.  Reward charts do work, but reward charts are a temporary incentive and the best rewards are your time or a special activity not an item that is bought.  The toy you buy brings temporary excitement, your time tends to be a more lasting reward.  Continual bribing molds a child into an externally motivated child, as parents we would rather have a child develop internal motivation for good behavior.

  • Spanking 
Spanking is not an effective discipline tool.  Spanking or hand slapping may stop the behavior at the moment, but it does not teach.  Remember the root of discipline is teaching.  We have also learned that children that have a more aggressive temperament will increase their aggression if spanking is used as the discipline approach at home.  This type of discipline also sends a very confusing message.  There are other approaches that work better and are a better example for your child.  Parents also don’t want to spank when they are very angry or frustrated, this can result in taking your anger or frustration out on your child a little more aggressively than you had planned.

There were certainly times when I did not discipline in the most effective way!  We all react out of anger and frustration at times.  I can remember thinking, “Did I just say that?”  The key is using effective discipline MOST of the time, and not beating yourself up when you are not effective.  Remember too, there is a great lesson to your child when you apologize for not handling a situation well.

“I did not like the way you treated your sister a few minutes ago, but Mommy should not have said what she did.  I am sorry.”

We are parents, we are not perfect, but having an effective discipline plan and not simply reacting with emotion to an inappropriate behavior by your child is important!  Tomorrow….the plan!

Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.

Cindy

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1 Comment

  1. I tend to cringe whenever I hear empty threats being made to kids. After a while the kids don’t buy it, and really, it makes a liar out of parents.

    Like

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